peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
