working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
