home. puking in laundry basket.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize