I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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