you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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