I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
