Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize