is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize