She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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