Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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