i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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