Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
