i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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