All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
