when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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