umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And then he peed in my hair
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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