I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
