It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The feeling are messing with the penis
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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