I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
