hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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