I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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