dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
