Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
