is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
