I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
