the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
