i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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