I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
