i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
