im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
