I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
