I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
