we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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