I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
