Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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