I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
