I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
