Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
