Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
