she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
