i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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