Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
