I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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