Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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