I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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