I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
