bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
