so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
