I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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