My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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