I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
