So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
