I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
