Ambien. No doubt about it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
