dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
