for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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