I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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