Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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